One thing just leads to anotherPythia |
"You want what for your birthday?"
"A night vision tiara."
"There’s no such thing!"
"There is too!" Discord unwound herself from her company and flounced down to the end of the boat where she sat staring out at the river with a decided pout on her face. "Hades had Hephaestus make one for his sugar pie Persephone, just last week. ‘Course she’s still staying with her Mom for the summer, so she don’t know about it yet." She turned back with a sappy, syrupy look that wouldn’t have fooled Ares for a second. "Come on, Charon, honey bun. You can steal it for me, can’t you? You’d do it for your own sweet Discord, huh? Huh?"
Charon sighed. Heavily.
"Huh," he grumped, then, a little more shyly, "huh, okay. Okay already. But only to borrow, right? Not to keep. I got my job to think about."
"Relax, short and gruesome. I won’t tell if you won’t. Now," she sidled up the gunwale and simpered at the boatman, one finger playing idly with the fall of her dark locks, "are we going for this romantic cruise, or have you thought of a better way for us to pass the time?"
"Oh boy," the ferryman muttered, hurriedly reaching for his punting pole. "Fates -do me a favour, huh? Just don’t let anyone die tonight ..."
"- eight, nine, ten! Coming - ready or not!"
Iolaus dropped his hands and stared round the cave, trying not to laugh as he saw the flitter of tentacles quickly whip themselves out of sight behind one of the stalagmites. Obi loved playing hide and seek, but he really wasn’t very good at it. Not that the hunter minded making a meal of the game; babysitting Echidna’s youngest could be very trying on the soul and finding something that would occupy the youngster for hours on end was a major achievement.
"Are we over - here?" he called, deliberately looking in the opposite direction. Behind him he heard Obi chuckle with delight and he pantomimed an exaggerated search, picking up boxes and darting around completely unoccupied rock formations as if expecting to surprise the subject of his quest any second.
"Cold, cold, cold," the young monster’s voice growled happily. Iolaus spun, grinning as he saw the creature skitter behind his mother’s resting shelf. He really was getting fast on his feet - uh - tentacles these days. He was growing too. He’d gotten so big that the hunter could no longer pick him up and carry him; in fact even Hercules had difficulty with that these days.
"Ahah," the warrior cried, leaping behind the rock that the child had just vacated. "Got ya - oh. Ah - okay. I’m coming to getcha - "
Obi squealed with unmitigated delight, leaping out of his hiding place and engulfing his babysitter with every single one of his tentacles. The impact knocked the man off his feet - with a little of his co-operation - and he ended up flat on his back, a grinning monster child sitting on his chest. "Gain, gain, gain!" Obi insisted, jumping up and down with excitement.
"Ah - yeah - ah, ooh, ah - erm - Obi - Let a guy breath, willya?"
"Little one - we’re home!" Echindna’s booming voice echoed through the cave, backed by the sound of her husband’s rumble of laughter.
Obi gave a shriek of joy and shot away to greet his parents, an action the hunter had cause to regret since, to do it, the youngster had used him as a handy trampoline.
"Kids," Iolaus muttered with a groan, climbing painfully to his feet. He didn’t really mind, but he was beginning to think that he was getting a little old for all this horseplay. Or maybe it had something to do with the fact that the other player had two dozen tentacles, weighed close to a hundred pounds, and never seemed to run out of energy.
"Hi, Iolaus," Typhon greeted him, his amiable face splitting into a broad smile. "Was he any trouble?"
"Nah," the hunter denied, waving a dismissive hand while surreptitiously easing the pulled muscles in his side. "He’s been an angel."
Echidna beamed with pleasure. "Oh, he is, he is. Aren’t you snookums?" Obi, safely cradled in his mother’s arms, gave a gurgle of delight and made kissy faces at her. She made them back.
"So," Iolaus asked, not entirely sure whether to burst out laughing or throw up at this entirely too cute sight, "how was Delphi?"
"Wonderful," Echidna crooned. Typhon nodded happily.
"The Oracle said we’re gonna have another kid," he announced, beaming happily. "A girl this time."
"Wow," the hunter reacted, not completely convinced this was a subject for celebration. "A sister for Obi. That’ll be nice."
"It will, it will," the mother of all monsters agreed, tickling her child under his chin and making all his tentacles squirm and quiver. "Be sure to tell Hercules when you see him."
"Oh yeah," Iolaus laughed. "I’ll make sure he knows ... Was the - ah - Temple still standing when you left?"
Typhon shuffled his feet. "Most of it," he said, self-consciously. "There was this itty- little bit of roof that kinda fell down and stuff, but - I don’t think anyone noticed."
"Thank you, Iolaus, for taking care of Obi." Echidna passed her son onto his father, who started throwing him up towards the ceiling - another of the games that Obi loved.
"My pleasure. I - uh - love spending time with the little guy."
Which was true, despite the fact that doing it was a bit like holding off an entire warlord’s army single handed. Mind you, that could be fun too ...
"You gonna stay for tea?" Typhon asked, his many limbed child now skittering around his shoulders and ruffling his hair. Iolaus seriously considered the offer for a moment.
"Ah - no," he decided. "Thanks all the same but - I’ve been living it this cave of yours for three days. I need a little fresh air. And I ought to be going anyway. I-I got things to do. People to see. You know."
Echidna gave him an affectionate look. "We know," she smiled. "Give Hercules our love."
"You betcha. Bye-bye, Obi. See ya again soon."
Obi waved goodbye, using so many tentacles that he fell off his father’s shoulder. Typhon quickly grabbed him before he hit the floor. "Bye, Iolaus," the giant called as the warrior made his way out of the cave. "Don’t be a stranger ...
The air outside the cave was sweet. Iolaus paused to draw in a deep breath of it, savouring the scents of the late afternoon. He had two choices. He could take the road back to Thebes, spend the night at Jason’s place and head for Corinth in the morning - or he could just set out right there and then, cutting across country and maybe arrive in time to hear the last of the speeches from the Medeon trade delegation that Iphicles and his brother were currently entertaining.
"No contest," the hunter decided with a grin and turned towards Thebes with a jaunty step. With a bit of luck Jason would have got in a new batch of ale from the village brewer and the two of them could toast Echidna’s news in style. He wondered what the new baby would be like when it arrived - and if maybe he and Herc should stick around when it did in case anyone tried to steal it, the way they had with Obi.
Halfway between where he’d just been and where he was heading, Iolaus found himself walking past the entrance to a narrow valley, out of which flowed a small stream. He knew the place well; the stream was the outflow for a tiny lake which also happened to be one of the best fishing spots in the area. He didn’t have time to stop and fish - but he had been babysitting for three days running and it probably wouldn’t hurt his reception any if he arrived in Thebes a little cleaner than he was right there and then.
"Yeah," he decided, turning off the path and strolling up the back of the stream. It wouldn’t get dark for a while yet and there was no sign of rain. He could afford the time for a quick dip. Especially if it got the Obi drool out of his waistcoat and hair.
The lake was just as he remembered it, a shimmer of dark water cupped between the valley walls, one end blocked by a natural dam - over which the stream skipped and gurgled - and the other fed by the tumble of a delicate waterfall. One that painted a soft rainbow in the air. He climbed the short rise past the dam, hung his sword belt on a handy tree, kicked off his boots and waded straight into the water.
Which was much colder than he expected it to be.
"Whoa!" he reacted, coming to a disconcerted halt. He was up to his waist by then; the lake didn’t get much deeper than that, and it should have been warmed by the long day of sun. Instead the water was almost like ice - and there was an odd mist drifting across its surface.
"Oh-oh," he registered, the hairs at the back of his neck prickling a little. Something was about to happen ...
"Hey! You!"
The voice was deep, laden with gravel and filled with sepulchral echoes. Iolaus jumped, glancing around to try and locate its source.
"You! Come ‘ere."
He completed a full three hundred and sixty degree sweep, seeing nothing that immediately drew his attention. Then a movement by the waterfall caught his eye. A hand - a pale, bony fingered hand - was reaching out from beneath the tumbling water and beckoning imperiously. Since he was the only person in the valley, and the voice actually sounded vaguely familiar, he assumed the summons was for him - and began to cautiously wade forward.
"’Bout time you got here," the harsh voice complained. "Duck your head as you come in. The roof’s a little low."
From his side of the waterfall, it didn’t look as if there was a space big enough to hold one man, let alone two, but Iolaus took a deep breath, ducked his head as he’d been advised, and stepped through, finding himself emerging into a totally unexpected cavern. Whose roof was a little low at the entrance, but which rose up into an arching vault and vanished into darkness overhead. The lake continued into the cavern, a flicker of torchlight setting reflections dancing on its dark surface, but he didn’t really notice that.
Because, taking up most of the space in front of him was a boat.
A high prowed, flat bottomed ferry boat, with skeletal decorations laid over its ancient dark wood.
"Hey," that same distinctive voice growled. "Don’t stand around down there like that. You’ll catch your death. Huh!" the speaker laughed. "That’d be good, huh? Your death. Huh, huh, huh …"
Iolaus looked up. There was a hand reaching out to help him up into the boat. The same pallid hand that had been beckoning to him. It belonged to a hunched figure in a dark and rotting robe; a figure with a pale complexion and a decidedly wizened visage. Pale eyes were staring at him above a rictus of a grin.
"Come on," Charon said impatiently. "I don’t have all millennium you know. Oh, don’t panic. This isn’t an official visit, and this ain’t the Styx, although it’s one way down there, if you know what I mean. I need to talk to ya. And it’s more comfortable up here, believe me."
"Let me get this straight," Iolaus said, pausing halfway through a mouthful of honey cake to frown thoughtfully at his host. "Hades had Hephaestus make this - magic tiara thing - as a welcome home present for Persephone, yeah?"
"Yeah, yeah," Charon nodded impatiently, refilling both their ale mugs from his seemingly bottomless jug.
"And - you stole it."
"Borrowed it," the ferryman corrected, dunking a generous slice of honey cake into his mug before stuffing it into his mouth. "Hey - this cake ain’t too bad. Ale’s pretty good too. Ain’t it amazing what they bury with the dead these days?"
"Uh - yeah," the hunter agreed, staring warily at the confection in his hand. Suddenly it didn’t taste as good as he’d thought it did ... "Umm - you borrowed this thing and you gave it to - Discord?" ...
"Phphw," Charon reacted, a noise of emphatic disgust. "Two faced little bitch. Dame dumped me as soon as she had what she wanted. And it wasn’t really her birthday either. Last time I do her a favour, moonlight cruises or not."
"Oh-kay," Iolaus noted, deciding this was probably a little more than he really wanted to know. "But you gave it to her - and now you want to get it back."
"Too right. The boss is gonna hit the roof when he finds out that its gone. It’s powerful magic, shortstuff. Lets ya see in the dark, lets ya see through walls, lets ya see phantoms and - even lets mortals see the gods. Whether they wanna be seen or not."
Now, that was powerful. The hunter sat back against the side of the boat and heaved a thoughtful sigh. "Well, yeah," he allowed, "I can see why you want to recover it, but - why ask me? Surely Hercules - ?"
"I ain’t asking that holier than thou goody two shoes any favours. He comes barging down to the underworld on the flimsiest excuses, never pays for passage, upsets the passengers, stirs up the boss, and he doesn’t keep his promises."
"He doesn’t?" Some of that sounded like the man Iolaus knew and loved, but he’d never known him fail to keep a promise before.
"Nah. I’m still waiting for the pig he owes me. You though - you’re a guy I can relate too. Hey - you’re almost getting to be a regular customer."
"Don’t remind me," the warrior shuddered. Charon chuckled at his expression.
"That’s okay," he wheezed. "I’d rather not be seeing ya on a professional basis for a while. And next time? You do me this little favour and next time I might just steer this boat in the wrong direction - like - uh - back here for instance."
"You can do that?"
The ferryman shrugged. "First time for everything. Whaddaya say?"
"I dunno," Iolaus said. "I mean - I’m not exactly Discord’s favourite hero, you know? She’s hardly gonna let me waltz up to her and make nice. Huh," he giggled, "I’d probably be dead meat before I even got my mouth open. Hey, Dis, you wanna let me have - poomph! Toasted Iolaus. Not my idea of fun."
"Well, that’s okay," the boatman growled. "’Cos she ain’t got it anymore. Some impudent mortal went and stole it from her"
The forest clearing was probably the busiest it had been for a long time; while the women and hangers on were engaged in packing up their temporary bandit camp, several of the unsavoury bandits were occupied with dragging a lean and lanky individual across to a nearby tree.
"Now, fellas," their captive was saying, struggling against the ropes that bound his hands. "We can talk about this, right? Just - talk, huh? I’m sure we can come to an - urk!" The man’s voice was cut short as a makeshift noose was savagely tightened around his throat.
"We done talking," the leader of the bandits snarled, nodding to his men. One of them threw the end of a rope up over a limb of the tree. Two more caught it and began to pull in the slack. Since the other end of the rope was attached to the noose, their prisoner’s eyes went wide with alarm.
"Now, see - " he half choked, "you really don’t want to do this."
The bandit leader was fingering the quality of the man’s green leather tunic. He grinned. "Oh, I do," he sneered. "I been looking forward to it." He snapped his fingers. Several more men seized the rope. The tethered man was jerked up off his feet, unquestionably heading for the afterlife.
Just as a purple clad projectile hurtled out of the undergrowth in a reckless leap, voicing a wild whoop. Booted feet impacted against the first man on the rope. He, in turn, took down the bandit behind him. The rest of them collapsed like ninepins, the rope slithering out of their startled hands. The prisoner collapsed back onto the ground, heaving for breath, but with enough presence of mind to kick out and knock the bandit leader off his feet.
The new arrival leapt back upright before any of the bandits did, hurdling a couple of them so as to quickly reach their would-be victim’s side. He kicked out as he went; one bandit, starting to stir, collapsed back with a groan. The second looked decidedly startled, rolled up his eyes, and promptly slumped over the first.
"Come on, come on," the man’s rescuer muttered, dragging the green clad figure to his feet and hastily unhooking the noose from around his neck.
"Uh - hi," the rescued man greeted him, somewhat suspiciously. "Umm - what are you doing here?"
"Saving your life," came the instant comeback, delivered with more than a hint of I don’t believe I’m doing this underlying it. The man spun and kicked out, felling the bandit that was creeping up behind them. "What do ya think I’m doing?"
"Just checking." Bound hands gave a practiced twist, and the rope that held them fell away. "So uh - whatda we do now?"
Blue eyes flashed him a look of pure disbelief.
"Run!"
It didn’t take that long for a wily thief and an expert hunter to lose their pursuers in the wood. They backtracked a way, laid a false trail that would have fooled all but the very best, and then headed straight for the nearest tavern.
Where Autolycus delicately lifted a man’s money pouch to pay for their drinks and Iolaus promptly returned it. He then grabbed the King of Thieves by the elbow and dragged him to a corner table. "Sit," he growled, in a tone that brooked no argument. Autolycus sat, rubbing at the rope burn on his throat and looking rebellious.
"I suppose you think I should be grateful," he complained, his eyes lighting up as a buxom wench bustled over to serve them both ale. "I didn’t need your help, you know. I was all ready to - "
"To what?" Iolaus half laughed, smiling his thanks at the serving girl. "Sneak into Elysium when Hades wasn’t looking? You were half a breath away from buying it, and you know you were. If I didn’t need you for something more important I might have left you dancing. Might even have watched," he added with a grin as he lifted his ale mug.
Autolycus bristled. "Fine friend you are," he grumbled, sipping at his own ale and grimacing a little at the bitter taste. "Maybe I planned all that. Maybe I wanted to get to the other realm. Stealing the treasures of Asphodel," he pondered thoughtfully. "Now that’s a heist I could crown my reputation with."
"Yeah, right," the hunter reacted, snorting into his tankard. "Do you have any idea what Hades would do to you if you tried it? Especially as you already have one of those treasures. Which is why I’m here, actually. We have to get it back before he notices it’s missing."
The King of Thieves had been contemplating his far fetched idea. It took a moment for what his company had said to penetrate, and when it did, he lowered his ale and stared at the man with a bemused frown. "What? I was joking, you know. I don’t have -"
"Yes, you do," Iolaus interrupted pointedly. "It’s a diadem, tiara thing? Lots of pretty gemstones, Made in Etna stamped on the back? Lets you see in the dark?"
"Oh." Autolycus shifted uncomfortably. "That. That belongs to Hades? Can’t see him in it myself ... "
The hunter gave him an irritated frown. "He had it made as a present for his wife," he explained. "And unless it’s back in its special velvet lined box by the time she returns to the Underworld, there will be Tarterus to pay. Literally," he added, with a small wince. "Herc’s uncle will probably send Cerberus - or something nastier - to retrieve it. How do you feel about spending the rest of your life fighting off armies of zombies and other dead things, huh?"
"Armies?" The echo was almost a squeak. The thief took a moment to recover from the vision the question had clearly conjured. "Uh - look, I didn’t know who it belonged too. I just found it - lying around. Well," he corrected under the look he was being given, "not lying around exactly. Just - hanging. On somebody’s belt ... Hey," he defended indignantly. "Discord’s one of the bad guys, right? I didn’t think she’d miss it. Much. Now look," Autolycus asked, putting down his tankard and spreading his hands wide, "what would she want with something that lets you read the backs of playing cards? She’s a goddess, isn’t she? If she wants to cheat, she’s got plenty of ways to do it."
"The backs of playing cards?" Iolaus echoed. Then he frowned. "Was that why they were trying to hang you?"
"Oh - no, no. Nothing like that. Just a - professional disagreement. Over the ownership of something."
The hunter broke into a broad grin. "You tried to steal something from them?" He chuckled into his tankard. "And got caught? You’re losing your touch."
"Am not," was the immediate and indignant rejoinder. "I was doing a favour for a friend. I just didn’t have all the information I needed."
"You mean you were set up." Iolaus put his now empty flagon on the table and studied his company with thoughtful consideration. "Okay - so here’s the deal. You give me the tiara and maybe I’ll help you get back at this ‘friend’ of yours. Whatdya say?"
The King of Thieves thought the offer over, his face shifting through a variety of expressions as he weighed up his options. "Well," he breathed at last, "I could use a little help, I suppose."
"Great," the hunter reacted, then realised how the comment had been phrased. "Hey. Enough with the short jokes. You want my help or not?"
Autolycus grinned, extending his hand across the table. "Deal," he said emphatically. Iolaus held the moment for a beat then grinned back, clasping the man’s arm in a firm warrior’s grip. "Just -one thing," the King of Thieves added with a guilty wince. "The tiara? I don’t exactly have it anymore ..."
A warrior’s word is his bond.
Iolaus had had that concept hammered into his head at the academy and he’d been living by it ever since. The trouble with this day was that, so far, he’d given his word twice and all it was doing was getting him deeper into trouble. He didn’t really have a problem with his promise to Charon, although keeping it was proving to be an interesting experience. He felt that having the ferryman of the dead on his side would be a definite plus. And besides, he rather liked the guy; he was pretty okay as far as cadaverous, gravel voiced apparitions went.
No, it was the way that Autolycus had tricked him that was really bugging him. If the guy had just come out and said that he’d given the tiara to his latest floozy and that she’d then sold him out to the bad guys, well - then he might have been happy to help out. But oh no - the high and mighty King of Thieves had to do things his way, and that meant lying through his teeth until the bargain had been made.
At which point Iolaus had begun to realise that he’d been well and truly had.
"The Temple of Hestia?" he queried in total disbelief as they arrived at their destination. "I thought you said you knew this girl. If she’s a Hestian Virgin - "
"Then I’m an honest man," Autolycus interrupted wryly. "Just trust me on this, okay? The tiara is in there. Zemelis wore it a couple of times and she saw things. Things that scared her. So she lifted it when I was sleeping and brought it here claiming it was cursed. I was going to come and steal it back, but my old partners made her a healthy offer, and - well, you know the rest."
"Yeah," the warrior breathed, studying the edifice that occupied the landscape ahead of them. The Temple was perched on the top of a hill; one of those old fashioned baroque temples that always seemed to contain endless halls, passages and stairways. The foot of the hill boasted a small town. Nothing too special, just a sprawl of houses, a couple of bigger buildings and a bustling market, doing good business in sacrificial offerings and lodgings for hopeful pilgrims. "So - how exactly are we going to break into a place where men are absolutely forbidden? Especially when the punishment for a guy found on the premises is to have certain important pieces of his anatomy removed ?"
Autolycus winced. "I heard about that," he said. "We just don’t get caught. Look - all we have to do is sneak into the sanctuary, take the tiara from the treasury and then escape down the old tunnels. Piece of cake."
"Old tunnels? Why not go in that way?"
"Uh - we can’t." Iolaus turned to give the speaker a suspicious look. This was beginning to sound like bad news ... "Okay," the thief admitted reluctantly, "they’re not just tunnels, they’re catacombs. With a strictly one way door at the top. But they’re a perfect way out - and once we get into them we’ll be safe from the Temple defenders." He quirked a slightly embarrassed grin. "That’s if we get past all the traps of course ..."
"Oh, plu-lease," the hunter groaned. "Any more surprises you haven’t told me about?"
Autolycus thought about it. "Nope," he decided. "None I know about, anyway."
Iolaus rolled his eyes briefly skywards, wondering if perhaps he should just forget the whole deal. If he hurried he still might catch up with his partner before he left Corinth. It might even be worth sitting through some of those speeches from the trade delegation ... He cast a sideways glance at his current company. The man might be able to deal with whatever Hades sent after him. But, then again, he’d given his word to Charon.
Who was already pretty ticked off because Hercules was still outstanding on his promise.
"Okay," he sighed. "That’s the way out. How were you proposing that we get in?"
The King of Thieves grinned. "Trust me," he said. "I have a plan."
"This is a plan?" Iolaus could barely contain his outrage, and Autolycus hastily shushed him, waving his hands for silence and glancing warily over his shoulder in case they were overheard.
"It’s the only way," he hissed. "If you value your manhood, that is."
"If anyone sees me, they’ll be questioning it," the hunter shot back, staring at the bundle of fabric the thief had thrust into his hands. "You don’t seriously expect - "
"I do," Autolycus growled, chivying him back out of the trader’s booth and along the narrow ally way behind it. "Just look on the bright side, Blondie. You don’t have a beard to give you away. This time I’m going to have to wear a veil."
"This I gotta see," Iolaus muttered, then gave his company a startled look. "This time?"
"Long story. Ask Salmoneus sometime." They reached a dead end, and found refuge behind a cart which was heavily laden with fruit. Iolaus stashed his sword inside a handy empty amphora, then sighed and packed his jerkin in with it. His boots went next, along with all of his belts and finally his breeches. On the other side of the alley the King of Thieves was going through much the same ritual, although his disrobing was accompanied by a series of jangles and clatters as various pieces of equipment emerged from within his clothing. The hunter grimaced, recalling the time when the two of them had found themselves standing side by side, stark naked and chained together. This wasn’t quite that bad. But it had the potential to be even more embarrassing.
"I don’t believe I’m doing this," he mumbled, shaking out the flimsy bundle of silk and satin that was meant to be his disguise and staring at it. At least the fabric was blue and purple. It could have been pink.
"Hurry up," Autolycus urged, shrugging into his ensemble of diaphanous ambers and golds. He reached into the fruit cart and lifted out a pair of grapefruit which he proceeded to use as padding. Iolaus heaved another sigh and stepped into the dress, tugging the straps up over his shoulders and clinching the belt tight around his waist. It only took a moment to lace on the sandals and after that he draped the coin edged shawl over his head and slipped the heavy bangles onto either wrist.
"How do I look?" he asked, turning to stare at the vision that now stood beside him. Autolycus did a startled double take.
"Like the Widow Twankey," he reacted. "Or her twin sister. Hold on a moment. There’s something not quite right ..." He reached back into the fruit cart and hauled out a couple of small golden coloured melons. "These’ll do."
The hunter sighed a third time and let the man stuff the fruit inside the ample capacity of his borrowed bra. "Happy?" he growled as the King of Thieves stepped back to admire his handiwork. "How do women walk around with all this weight up here?"
"Beats me," Autolycus shrugged. Tiny bells rang when he did it. His cloak was edged with them. "Ready?"
"Oh yeah. Well, at least I smell the part. Let’s just hope nobody looks too closely. And Autolycus - "
"Yeah?"
"If you ever breath one word of this to anyone, I swear I’ll make your life so miserable that you’ll wish those bandits had hung you."
The road up to the temple wasn’t crowded, but it was sufficiently busy that two more penitent women, arriving to seek Hestia’s absolution for their misdeeds, received only a cursory glance as they made their way into the precincts. There was a sticky moment when a bored gate guard looked as if she might choose the two of them as her next ritual challenge, but Iolaus quickly tugged Autolycus down as if sharing an intimate confidence and managed to pitch a giggle high enough to fool even their closest neighbours in the crowd. The guard had looked more bored than ever and waved them in without a word.
"Phew," the hunter breathed, dragging the thief behind the shelter of a handy pillar so that the rest of the throng passed ahead of them. "So far so good. Where to now?"
"Up two levels and into the heart of the place." Autolycus was looking vaguely nervous behind his veil. Iolaus didn’t blame him. "Zemelis said that the treasury is next to the altar in the inner sanctum. The doors to the catacombs are on that level too - so we can grab the tiara and just run for it. The sooner we’re outta here the better."
"First sensible thing he’s said all day," Iolaus muttered, gathering up his skirt and following the amber clad thief as he minced his way across the marble floor. It was disconcerting how well Autolycus was getting into the part; the hunter was quite sure he’d never be able to walk like that in a thousand years. He took small steps instead, half shuffling, half gliding and keeping his head down so as to avoid anyone else’s eyes. There were too many people about for his liking - and not just because it increased the chance of discovery. Those ‘too many’ people were all women; young women mostly, clad in skimpy outfits and laughing and chattering as if they hadn’t a care in the world.
" ... told her I turned my eyes away, but - whoa - would you? I don’t think he cared ..."
She was tall. Blonde. Built a little like Aphrodite but carrying it with less panache.
" ... oh but gods. The guy has the most amazing butt. I could watch him walk away from me for hours ..."
A brunette. Lots of creamy thigh, and even more creamy bosom peaking over her tight tunic.
"... forget the muscles. Give me sensitive and caring any day. Mind you, muscles would be nice too ..."
Raven tresses, skin like polished ebony, slender limbs, and curves in all the right places.
" ... then he asked me to rub his back. I ask you! His back. The guy’s a total pig. Always thinks of himself first. And second ..."
Another blonde. A pert nose and even perter breasts. A waist that went in and hips that undulated out again.
" ... I tell you, he’s so cute I could eat him. That smile, those eyes ...Oh, I just go weak at the knees thinking about him ..."
A readhead. Sultry looks, tanned skin and legs that went all the way.
"Are you coming or not?" Autolycus suddenly hissed in his ear and the hunter reacted with a guilty start.
"Oh - ah - yeah," he agreed, hastily tugging his shawl tighter around his shoulders and hurrying after the lanky thief as he led the way up a side passage. He couldn’t resist one last yearning look over his shoulder even though he knew he shouldn’t. If he were caught here, like this, then he’d probably have to spend the rest of his life just looking. And that was a sacrifice he really didn’t want to make.
"Nice place, this," the King of Thieves remarked as they both paused at the foot of a stone cut staircase. A bevy of nubile beauties were descending it, shepherded by a buxom older woman whose stern advice was making them all giggle.
"Very nice," Iolaus agreed dreamily as the last of the shapely maidens sashayed past. They both went on looking for a moment longer - then the two of them shared a horrified glance as they realised what they were doing. "Let’s hurry up and get outta here," the hunter muttered, hastening up the stairs. Bells jingled behind him as Autolycus matched his pace.
They hurried through a series of passages and up another flight of stairs, sometimes having to duck into alcoves or else stop and bend heads together in make believe conversation as white clad priestesses or golden armoured guards moved about their daily business. Iolaus was seriously beginning to think that Hestia herself was looking out for them; not one woman so much as paused or glanced back at what had to be the most unlikely pair of visitors the temple had ever had.
The main sanctum appeared to be totally deserted. The two of them slipped in through the huge pair of double doors that guarded the entrance and carefully pushed them shut behind them. Iolaus paused to glance around the firelit hall, decided that it really was empty and tugged the weight of the shawl off his head so that he could better see what he was doing. Autolycus also disentangled himself, his saturnine features re-emerging from beneath layers of woven silk.
"Over here," he hissed, resuming his more normal manly stride as he quickly crossed the vaulted hall. There was an area at the back of the sanctum surrounded by an ornate golden cage which just had to be the treasury. Behind that was another pair of double doors, these closed by a massive cross bar. "That’s our way out," the thief said, indicating the barrier with a wave of his hand. "I’ll get the tiara. You get the doors open." The hunter nodded and headed in the relevant direction, only hesitating as he drew level with the low set altar that supported the soft flickering of the sacred fire.
"Uh - Hestia?" he half whispered apologetically, glancing around in case the goddess decided to put in a personal appearance - not to mention striking them both dead or worse for their impudence. "Umm - sorry about - being here and all, but - well, this is all Discord’s doing really and - if I can get Persephone’s present back before Hades realises it’s missing - hey," he concluded, aware that time was not on his side, "forget the plot. Just take it that this isn’t personal and - we’d appreciate it if you just forget we were ever here, okay?"
Nothing but silence answered him so he took one more wary look around and hurried across to the barred doors. "Autolycus," he called as he began to push at the heavy crossbar, "just the tiara, remember!"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the King of Thieves muttered, working on picking the delicate lock that sealed the treasury cage. His fingers gave a practiced twist and the mechanism tumbled sweetly into place. A gentle push and the door swung open. "When you’re hot, you’re hot," Autolycus decided with a satisfied grin. "Oh - my ..."
The treasury was full of - treasure. Heavy coins spilled out of bulging sacks. Strings of precious stones lay piled inside vessels of beaten gold. Necklaces and diadems fit for royalty nestled in among gem studded goblets, mother of pearl paneled boxes and chests carved from aromatic woods. Black velvet cushions cradled rings and bracelets. White velvet cushions supported brooches and bangles and silver buckles. It wasn’t just a King’s ransom. He was looking at the motherlode.
Autolycus whimpered softly. His hand snaked out to hover above a tempting diamond and he snatched it back, grimacing as sense struggled with sensibility.
"Come on," Iolaus called, his voice laced with urgency. A place like this was never deserted for very long. Any minute now someone was bound to come through the door.
A look of grim determination settled on the thief’s face. Quickly he hoiked out the bruised grapefruit that had served him as padding and - just as quickly - he refilled the empty spaces with handfuls of gems and jewelry. A quick shake settled the loot in place and then - for good measure - he quickly stripped off the cheap trinkets he’d stolen for his disguise and began to slide handfuls of golden bangles onto his bare arms instead.
"Autolycus!" The hiss was an equal measure of anxiety and anger.
"Coming!" the King of Thieves called, rapidly latching a ruby necklace around his throat. He threw down his silk cloak and scooped bounty into it, hastily tugging the corners together before turning to leave. Then he remembered what he was there to steal in the first place, and turned back to snatch up the delicate tiara from where it sat in pride of place.
At which point the alarm went off.
Bells began to jangle overhead, shaking the whole room and resounding with deafening noise. Autolycus cursed and ran for it, shedding coins and gems in his wake. The main doors burst open, admitting a cohort of golden armoured guards, most of whom were armed with bows.
"They’re men!" their captain called over the cacophony of bells. "Don’t let them get away!"
Iolaus was lurking by the doors to the catacombs, holding one partially open while waving at his partner in crime to hurry. The King of Thieves didn’t need the encouragement. He covered the distance in haste, knowing that more than his life depended on it. Arrows rattled around him as he pounded up the steps and into the darkness. More impacted against the door as the hunter hurriedly slammed it shut.
"Give me a hand," he ordered, lifting the locking bar away from the wall where he’d propped it. Autolycus reached for the other end and together they managed to slide it through the supporting loops, effectively sealing themselves away from pursuit. "Boy, am I glad there was a back way out," Iolaus announced, leaning his weight against the now secure door and wiping a layer of sweat from his brow. The heavy structure bowed a little as frustrated guards attempted to force it open, but the crossbar held firm. "What kept you back there?"
"Ah - " Autolycus shrugged nonchalantly. "Had a little trouble finding the thing. But here it is," he added brightly, producing the prize with a flourish.
"Give me that," the hunter requested impatiently, snatching it from its purloiner’s hands. He looked at it with a wary frown. "You sure this is it?"
"Positive. I never forget the things I steal."
The tunnel led away from the door and into the dark. What little light there was, was bleeding around the edges of the door. The passageway was also full of dust and cobwebs. It didn’t look as if anyone had passed that way for a long time.
"Well," Iolaus said, tucking one end of the tiara inside his melon packed bra, "light up the torch and we’ll get out of here." He levered himself up from the door and took a couple of steps forward. Behind him the door shuddered as something heavy rammed into it.
"Torch?"
The hunter turned, doing a slow burn as the tone of the question registered.
"You did bring a torch, didn’t you?"
Autolycus looked innocent - not an easy thing for him to do in the circumstances. "Didn’t you?"
"Do I look like I’m carrying a torch?"
"Dressed like that?" the thief shot back, "I’d say so " ...
Blue eyes lanced daggers in his direction. "This was your idea, remember? Now - just how were you proposing that we make our way through these tunnels of yours without a source of light?"
"Oh!" Autolycus dug into a delicate pouch on his belt, reaching to stop stolen bangles jangling as he did so. "I’ve got one of those." He lifted out a glass vial - which did emit a feeble glimmer of light, although it was hardly something you could see by. "Hey. These things were guaranteed to glow for a week. It’s only been four days ... "
"Fireflies?" Iolaus questioned in disbelief. "You were going to use a vial of fireflies to light the way out of here? I’m dead," he decided, matter-of-factly, then sighed. "I guess that’d be one way to get the tiara back where it belongs ... Whoa! The tiara!" He unhooked the delicate headband from where he’d put it and studied it thoughtfully for a moment.
"Let me. I’ve worn it before." Autolycus smiled, reaching for the diadem with confidence. The hunter tugged it out of his reach.
"Oh, no you don’t. I don’t trust you not to leave me in the dark while you sneak off to sell this to the highest bidder."
"I’m hurt," the thief considered with a pained pout. "But you’re probably right. You led the way, I’ll - back you up with the fireflies. Fly," he added with a wince, taking a closer look at the contents of the vial.
The steady thumping against the door fell silent. Somewhere behind the massive portal the Captain of the Hestian guard could be heard telling her crew to stand down. "Leave it. Let them try the tunnels. The fools will never make it out of there. Even if they could find a route the ghouls will get them. Put a guard on this door. Let me know if it so much as moves."
"Ghouls?" Iolaus questioned, the tiara poised halfway to his head. Autolycus shrugged, rimmed by the dim flitter of firefly light.
"Rumours. Just rumours. Really," he insisted. The hunter heaved a disbelieving sigh and completed the movement that the Captain’s little speech had interrupted. The delicate diadem nestled down into his unruly curls -
- and the shadowed world around him became filled with instant detail.
Green detail. The power of the artifact painted everything in various tones of an eerie, lurid green. Every other colour had simply ceased to exist, leaving a monochrome world of bright and dark. But he could see everything, almost as clearly as he could have done had the tunnel been filled with sunlight.
"Wow," Iolaus reacted, glancing round with amazement. It was a pretty weird sensation. He could see why the King of Thieves might be so eager to get the tiara back - and precisely why he was the last person on earth who should possess such power.
"Neat, huh?" Autolycus grinned at him and he acknowledged it with a wry one of his own. Even the man’s teeth were green.
"Way cool," he agreed. "Come on. Uh - " He’d taken half a step forward, then paused, looking back at his company and the current source of their light. "Two things. You’d better hang on to my shoulder and uh - which way do we go?"
"Oh," the thief scrabbled back into the pouch that had held the firefly jar and produced a scrap of parchment. "There are symbols carved at each junction. We just have to follow the right sequence."
"Which is?"
"I don’t know," was the instant answer. "I can’t see a thing. Here - " Autolycus thrust the paper in the hunter’s general direction and he snatched it away, holding it close to the light so as to see it better. There were a series of symbols scrawled left to right ...
"Looks straight forward enough," he decided. "This is the old Minoan script. Five symbols, five turns - and it says ‘This way down.’"
"You’re kidding me."
"Nope." Iolaus flashed his companion a smug grin which was totally wasted since the man could barely see it. "There are some advantages in having a formal education you know."
"Yeah. Sure," Autolycus muttered, grabbing hold of his shoulder with an unnecessarily strong grip. "Can we go now?"
It seemed a simple enough task. The directions left by the ancient Cretan architect who’d designed the labyrinth were pretty clear once you understood where and what they were. The tunnel descended at a steepish angle before it met the first junction, and in places there were a number of wide shallow steps to make descent - or ascent - that much easier. Iolaus led the way with confidence, walking as if he were in daylight. Autolycus stumbled after him, holding up the dimly lit vial and muttering a little under his breath from time to time.
They turned right, then left, then back right again, descending all the time. Then they reached the next junction - and things got complicated.
The turn led them into a vaulted chamber, one that was lined with a series of carved alcoves. The already musty air took on a distinctly unpleasant odor, one that held hints of old incense and an undercurrent of decay. The exit was at the far end, and the floor in between was littered with bones.
Human bones by the look of them, broken and scattered about with no hint of reverence or ritual. One or two skulls lay in among them, their empty eye sockets decorated with delicate cobwebs; the dust, which had been thick and undisturbed higher up, was barely noticeable here. The hunter picked his way past the remains carefully, not liking what their presence might imply. Ghouls the Captain had said, the kind of supernatural monster that liked to inhabit old catacombs, living - if it could be called living - off the bodies of the buried dead. Which wouldn’t be too bad if that was all they did - but generally, such creatures also harboured a craving for warm meat. They weren’t too choosy about who it belonged to, either.
Iolaus began to wonder if leaving his sword in town had been an entirely good idea ...
Somewhere, too close by for comfort, he heard the soft sound of stone slowly moving against stone. "Did you hear something?" Autolycus asked a little doubtfully.
"Ssh," the hunter requested, swiveling his head towards the sound. In the lurid green light of his current perceptions it was easy to see that one of the slabs at the back of the nearest alcove was slowly swinging open. "Just shut up and keep walking."
Other slabs began to move, generating a chorus of grinding, echoing sound.
"Make that - walk faster," Iolaus advised, picking up the pace.
Long limbed predators emerged from the crypts, hairless things with leathery skin and claw like fingers. They were vaguely human in shape but they moved with an oddly fluid motion, their knees bent so that they stalked forward like spiders while the backs of their hands dragged on the floor. The power of the tiara revealed every detail of their features, from their deep sunken eyes and high cadaverous cheekbones to the pale gleam of very sharp, very pointed teeth.
"Uhuh," he corrected hastily. "Make that run!"
He reached up to grab Autolycus’ hand off his shoulder and broke into a sprint, dragging the man behind him. The creatures gave out a ghastly howl - the sound of which encouraged the thief no end - and immediately hastened in pursuit.
"Rumours my - " Iolaus bit back a curse and concentrated on picking the right way out. Left out of the door, right again almost immediately. A short tunnel led to another gaping arch -
- and he pulled them both to a startled halt, barely able to halt his company’s momentum as their hurried steps nearly took them straight over the edge of a lurking shaft.
"What the - gods." His exclamation echoed and re-echoed around the cavernous space. "Autolycus, don’t take another step. And whoever it was that gave you those directions? Add them to the list that’s got Zemelis on it."
"It was Zemelis," the thief admitted, staring anxiously over his shoulder. The sound of pursuit was getting closer.
"Oh great," the hunter noted, realising - with no little relief - that there actually was a way down. Only trouble was, it looked like a ledge less than a foot wide. One that spiraled down the wall of the shaft to disappear into the darkness below. "Now you tell me. Come on. Keep your back against the wall and be careful. One wrong step and it’s a long way down."
"I really wanted to know that," Autolycus muttered. "Hold on a minute." He recovered his hand and dipped it into the padded part of his unlikely costume, his fingers re-emerging with a handful of glittering stones. "What a waste," he sighed, scattering the gems across the stone platform that overlooked the brink. Iolaus shot him an irritated look, finally understanding why he’d lingered so long in the treasury.
"I thought we had a deal, here," he complained. The thief shrugged.
"Old habits," he said. "You know."
"Yeah, right. Come on - before I change my mind and leave you behind as a distraction." The hunter lead the way out onto the ledge, reaching back to catch at the other man’s wrist and tug him in the right direction. Autolycus was frowning.
"You wouldn’t do that," he protested a little worriedly.
"I might," Iolaus muttered tightly. Actually, he wouldn’t. But the temptation was mighty appealing right there and then.
They’d descended several feet and half a turn by the time the ghouls arrived. The one in the lead did just what the thief had been hoping - slipped on the scattered gems, lost its balance and plunged downwards with a gurgled cry. The hunter silently counted, waiting for the tell tale thump as its body hit the bottom.
Well, all right, it was more of a splat than a thump, but it still gave him the information he needed.
"Just under a hundred feet. Shuffle faster."
"I’m shuffling as fast as I can," Autolycus retorted. "You sure there’s a way out at the bottom of this?"
Iolaus risked a glance down, holding onto the tiara in case it decided to follow the ghoul’s plunge into the depths. "There’s a source of light down there. Daylight, hopefully."
"And if it’s not?"
"Then you and I will probably be returning Persephone’s gift personally. Come on."
Two more turns; the ghouls had tracked their path and were beginning to follow them. There were three of them left and they were now creeping along the narrow ledge one at a time, hissing as they descended. Iolaus grimaced at the sight. The gap between them was closing too fast for his liking. "Stop for a moment," he requested. "Think I’ve got an idea."
"Stop?" Autolycus squeaked. "Are you serious?"
"Yeah." The hunter let go of the thief’s hand and repeated the man’s earlier gesture. What emerged from his outfit though was not a handful of gemstones. It was a melon, one just big enough to nestle in the palm of his hand. "Let see how they like this."
He hefted the fruit to judge its weight, waiting for the first ghoul to reach the point on the ledge directly opposite and slightly above them. As soon as it got there he lobbed the heavy object straight at it. It hit the creature hard in the midriff; it doubled up, lost its balance and immediately fell off the ledge. "Yes," Iolaus crowed gleefully. "One down, two to go."
"What are you doing?" Autolycus demanded anxiously.
The hunter grinned. "Breaking up with our ghoul friends." He dug out the other melon and lobbed it with the same directed effort. This time it hit the creature in the head. The ghoul staggered, mis-stepped, and teetered for a moment grabbing desperately for something to hold onto. What it found was its fellow ghoul; within seconds both monsters were hurtling towards the bottom of the pit. Autolycus winced.
"That was awful," he groaned. "You have got to stop hanging around with the big guy. I thought his one-liners were bad enough."
Iolaus giggled. "Where do you think he gets ‘em from?" he asked. "Come on. Let’s get outta here before any more of their friends turn up."
It was slow going. Step by careful step they descended into the depths, negotiating each corner with anxious breath. It was hard to say which of them found it hardest; Iolaus, who could see all the way to the bottom, or Autolycus, who couldn’t. Needless to say they were both relieved when they arrived at the narrow tunnel through which a distant glimmer of daylight was beckoning.
"After you," Iolaus offered generously. The King of Thieves grinned and ducked into the tunnel. As he did so the hunter reached out and relieved him of the heavy bundle of silk that dangled from his belt.
"Hey!" Autolycus started to grab, then thought better of it; the hunter was holding it out over the shaft, which continued its descent into the dark. "That’s mine."
"No, it’s not. It belongs to Hestia. I told you not to take anything else and I meant it. It’s bad enough being on Ares and Discord and Hera’s hate lists. I happen to like home cooked meals and comfortable beds and stuff like that and I am not going to upset the goddess of the hearth any more than I have too."
"You are hanging around the big guy too much," Autolycus grumbled. "Okay, okay. Just leave it here."
"I was going to." Iolaus let go. The weighted bundle dropped out of sight, landing at the bottom of the shaft with a jangled thud. The thief heaved a regretful sigh. "You’ll thank me later," the hunter assured him. The look he got in return suggested otherwise.
Autolycus ducked back into the new tunnel and started to clamber down it. Iolaus followed him, not needed to crouch quite so far. The passage sloped down gently for twenty paces or so, then began to acquire a much steeper angle. After another twenty paces it got too steep to stay upright; the thief lost his footing, landed on his butt and began to slide. The hunter made a grab to hold him back and missed, ending up on his stomach and sliding after him.
"Whooooaaaa!" they chorused, hurtling downwards at breakneck speed. The daylight was growing stronger. Blindingly strong in fact. Within a few bare seconds they both emerged from a hole in the side of the hill, shooting out into space and describing a perfect parabolic arc as they flew through the air.
Which finally deposited the two of them straight into a wallow of soft, gooey mud.
"Oink?"
Iolaus sat up, finding himself face to face with a curious pig. Several curious pigs in fact; the wallow seemed to be home to a dozen or more, most of which were barely older than piglets. A few feet away the King of Thieves was also picking himself up, shaking mud off his hands and staring down at himself in dismay.
"This is all your fault, you know," he said, wading across to where the hunter was getting to his feet.
"My fault? I wasn’t the one duped twice over by a dancing girl. Or getting hung by bandits either."
"Well, if you hadn’t promised to get back the tiara - speaking of which - " Autolycus made a grab. Iolaus danced away with alacrity.
"Oh, no you don’t. This is going right back where it belongs and nowhere else, understand?"
"I just want to borrow it for a bit ..."
"Nowhere else," the hunter repeated firmly, once again avoiding the taller man’s reach. "I didn’t just risk - you know what - so that you could add to your reputation. I’m trying to save your butt here, remember?"
"As if my butt has ever been your concern," Autolycus retorted making another grab. Iolaus pushed him away, spinning under his arm and kicking him down with a sharp jab to the back of his knee. The King of Thieves clambered back up, his eyes gleaming and the challenge clearly accepted.
"Ahem," someone said not very far away. The two of them - just about to square off for a knock down, no holds barred, we really need to blow off steam, fight - froze in place for a moment. They straightened up and turned almost as one man, finding that their unexpected company was Hercules - who was standing and watching them with a very patient expression on his face.
Iolaus half broke into a broad grin of welcome - before he realised where he was and exactly what he happened to be wearing. Which was knee deep in a pig wallow, and draped in a blue and purple satin dress - with a jeweled tiara perched atop of his golden locks. Beside him Autolycus was going through much the same process of realisation. "Uh - hi, Herc," the hunter managed, the grin quirking into decided embarrassment.
"Now then, big guy," Autolycus began, the bangles on his wrists jangling absurdly as he lifted his hand. "There’s a perfectly logical explanation for all of this ... "
"You don’t wanna know," Iolaus interrupted hastily, striding out of the pig patch to join his partner on dryer ground.
"Okay," Hercules nodded affably. "Then I won’t ask. I uh - ran into Charon on my way back to Thebes. He said you were running some kind of errand for him?"
"Oh - yeah." Iolaus reached up and tugged the tiara off his head, blinking as the world instantly swam back into full colour. "Umm - this is what he was after. Can you get it back to him? Only - Auto and I have a little unfinished business to attend to."
"We do?" Autolycus asked, then remembered they still had to deal with Zemelis and nodded a firm agreement. "Yeah. We do."
"Okay," Hercules agreed, just as affably as the first time. "Sure." He sounded unperturbed - but Iolaus knew him well enough to catch the decided twinkle in his eye. He was trying desperately not to burst out laughing. The hunter’s own eyes narrowed. He could tell he was going to get teased about this for days ...
"Uh - Herc?" he called just as the man turned to walk away, his shoulders quivering with suppressed laughter.
"Yeah?"
Iolaus reached down and scooped a piglet up from the ground, stepping across to dump it, mud and all, into his friend’s arms. "For when you see Charon," he explained, unable to keep his own eyes from twinkling at the demi-god’s startled expression. Revenge could be sweet sometimes. "You still owe the guy a pig."
"Uh - " Hercules was left open mouthed as his partner turned and walked away, the silk clad King of Thieves falling into step beside him.
"I think I need a drink," the hunter was saying thoughtfully. Autolycus draped a friendly arm around his shoulders.
"You know," he said with feeling, "that’s probably the best idea you’ve had all day ..."
Disclaimer: no temples of Hestia were intentionally desecrated during the production of this tale. Charon is still in permanent employment, and the Queen of the Underworld was reported to be delighted with her welcome home present. Echidna is still awaiting the arrival of her new baby girl.
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