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Careers Day at the Academy Speech transcribed by Pythia |
Hi. My name is Hercules. That’s Her-cu-lees, not Heracles, as I’ve heard some people suggesting lately. I’m the son of Zeus, I’m half immortal, and Jason has asked me here today to talk to you about the practicalities of being a hero.
Now – most of you are here because you ticked the box marked ‘hero’ on your careers questionnaire. And I’m sure some of you have a very clear idea of what being a hero is all about, am I right? Yes, I thought so.
Hands up for - rescuing damsels? Killing monsters? Defeating warlords?
How about - being feted by everyone you meet? Free drinks, free meals and free board and lodging?
Well, there are a number of fringe benefits, once you’re an established name –and there’s no denying that a true hero’s life is rarely dull – but there’s a lot more to it than that.
A lot, lot ,more.
Let’s start with the basics.
First off, it is perfectly possible for anyone – no matter who they are, what they look like, or where they live – to become a hero. Heroism is about overcoming odds, facing difficulties, doing what’s right, and rising to the needs of the situation. Anyone can do that. They can make a difference in their own, or other people’s lives. They can do something no one has ever done before. And they can make a stand to defend the weak, the innocent, or the oppressed.
Yes? You at the back – you have a question?
Ah – no, I do mean anyone. Man, woman, child – it doesn’t matter. Being a hero is a matter of the heart and the spirit – not about being bigger and stronger than anyone else.
Yes, that does sound odd coming from me. I do tend to be bigger and stronger than most people – although I could introduce you to a few friends of mine who tower over me. Typhon, for instance. Now he’s a lover, not a fighter – but that’s a completely different lecture altogether. And you can stop sniggering, Iolaus. I’m trying to be serious here.
Oh – yes – this is my friend, Iolaus. He’s a hero. Not only a hero, but my hero. A constant inspiration. Yes, you are, so don’t look at me like that. It’s true. Friends, I’m half god. Gifted – blessed, you could say. But Iolaus here is mortal – and he’s twice as brave, twice as determined and at least five times as stubborn as I am. Despite being several inches shorter – which in his case is a blessing in itself, since it give him the advantage of speed and maneuverability. You need that when you’re ducking warlords or dodging dragon fire.
Remember what I was saying about being a hero? Well, Iolaus here is the heart and spirit of our partnership, and I seriously recommend that, if you want to get into the hero business, that you hitch up with someone who’ll support you in your work. Someone you can trust with your life, who’ll watch your back, fight by your side, and who’ll follow you into Tarterus if that’s where you need to go. It won’t hurt if they also turn out to be someone who can make you laugh, who’ll be prepared to listen to your troubles, and who won’t steal your women – unless you’ve stolen theirs first, that is.
No, no – I wasn’t getting at you, Jason. That was an old misunderstanding and we both got over it a long time ago. And I was really, really glad you married my mother. You made her very happy, and that was what mattered.
Actually – that brings me on to my next point. If you’re contemplating becoming a career hero, you need to assess the impact that’s going to have on your family life. Life on the road doesn’t pay very well, and since you’re constantly putting yourself in harm’s way it carries very high insurance premiums. You pick up innumerable enemies, most of whom spend their time thinking up ways to get their revenge, and if you’re a good hero, you tend to be in constant demand. Those kind of things tend to complicate your prospects of settling down, having kids, and living a normal life. Having friends on hand who can protect the people you love is definitely a good move – and, if you can, arrange to fall in love with someone who’s as capable of protecting themselves as you are.
Oh – on that point? It’s a little insensitive to do that if the person concerned has just seduced your best friend so that they can use him to get at you. But then – someone like Xena doesn’t come along very often, so its unlikely you’ll ever be faced with that particular dilemma. If you do? Well, I hope you handle it better than I did. And that your friend has as generous and forgiving a heart as mine does.
Where was I? Oh yes – family life.
It’s probably safe to say that, once you’ve earned a reputation or two, prospective mates will throw themselves at you with determined regularity. Be careful. Weed out the glory seekers, the ones who think you’re worth a fortune, and the one who are simply hero-struck. Those last can be a problem; they really think they are in love with you and you have to handle them very diplomatically. Otherwise you can end up being sued for breach of promise, even though you never made one. If they proposition you fifty at a time – yes, I did say fifty, Jason, it’s a long story. Remind me to tell you sometime … Yeah. Okay. Remind Iolaus to tell you some time. Not now, Iolaus. I’m giving a lecture here.
Sorry about that – ah – let me see. Partner. Family Life. Enemies … Oh yes. Enemies. If you become a hero you will, inevitably, attract enemies. In my case, some of them have turned out to also be my relatives, but you can’t choose your family can you. I’ll get back to the Gods in a minute – let’s start with mortal enemies.
What? Oh – well, yes - my mortal enemies do tend to be immortal, but that’s not what I meant. I’m talking about the bad guys here. Warlords. Corrupt Kings. Evil magicians. Barbarians. Greedy landowners. Voracious queens. Ambitious princes – and princesses. Thugs. Pirates. Thieves. Some thieves. Most thieves. All the thieves, except those whose hearts are in the right place … Let’s just leave thieves on one side shall we?
Because some of my best friends are thieves, that’s why. Or used to be … No, Iolaus, I am not comparing you to Autolycus. I wouldn’t dream of – no, I wouldn’t. You know I wouldn’t. Can I get on with this?
Thank you.
The trick with bad guys is to let them make the mistakes. Give them enough space, they’ll boast about their plans, reveal their ambitions, arrogantly commit their resources, and overplay their hand before their traps are completely sprung. Most of the time. Once or twice you’ll run into someone clever enough to get the upper hand – but don’t panic. For one thing, those sort just have to take the opportunity to gloat, rather than just killing you on the spot, so you can always use the time that gives you to turn the tables back on them. And if that doesn’t work, you can usually rely on your best friend to turn up, create a diversion, get himself caught, raise mayhem, or whatever happens to be needed at the time. On really tough days you may need several friends to help you out, but with luck that doesn’t happen very often.
Of course – the bad guys always think that having friends is a weakness and they always try to exploit it. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had to rescue Iolaus here from certain death – no, not actual death, buddy. Believe me, I remember every single one one those! No, the kind of thing I’m talking about is –um - well, remember that time Malgarius hung you up by your heels over his infamous ‘pit of death’ and then set fire to the rope? I had to rescue the princess with one hand, stop Malgarius from escaping and still manage to catch the end of the rope before you plummeted down a shaft criss-crossed with razor sharp blades, and ended up as a shish-kebab on the spikes at the bottom.
Oh.
Yeah.
That was the time I missed the rope, wasn’t it?
Well – I did throw Malgarius down ahead of you, right? You freed your hands as you twisted through the blades and you landed on his corpse rather than the spikes, so … I know, that one spike did come a bit close, but you didn’t take any real damage, and I’m sure that if you had Dite would have ensured that you weren’t singing soprano for long.
Of course I’m sure. I’d have made sure.
Would have made getting that princess back into Hestia’s temple a lot easier though …
Okay. Bad example. But the point is, the bad guys always think that threatening your friends is going to make you back off and let them get on with – whatever they’ve got in mind at the time. Well – as my sister often says – like that’s going to happen! One of these days, some warlord or other is going to figure out that the time they spent setting up some elaborate trap, arranging complicated death machines, or plotting to poison you, your best friend or an entire village, would be better spent actually carrying out their nefarious plans before you can figure out what they might be.
Ahm – anybody here tick ‘Warlord’ on their career questionnaire?
Two, three … okay. Well, in that case, I need to point out that if the bad guy does manage to carry out his nefarious plan, then it’s the hero’s job to bring him to justice afterwards. That’s one of the reasons that ‘killing family and best friends’ approach is a bad idea. A righteous hero is tough proposition. A furious one with nothing left to lose is not something you want to face. Trust me.
Now, as well as the bad guys, heroes often have to deal with things a little more – monstrous. Sometimes those are things the bad guys have set loose to cause mayhem. Sometimes the gods are responsible. And sometimes they’re just plain - there.
Those ones are probably the worst.
Monsters.
What can I tell you about monsters?
‘Avoid them’ Yes. Thank you, Jason, I’m sure that’s good advice. Especially coming from someone who took on the hydra guarding the golden fleece, and single handedly slew the Chimera of Ipsus after it had killed seven other warriors in a row.
Yes he did, Iolaus. We were busy that day, remember? In Basilis? The seven water sprites, the stolen statue and the – yes. That day. Which reminds me. Not all monsters are twenty feet tall, multi-headed and breath fire. A lot of them are and do, but they come in all shapes and sizes. And colours, for that matter. They’re easy enough to recognise though; they’re usually either guarding some mystical treasure, turning up to get in the way when you’re trying to thwart some plot of the gods, or they’re eating peasants.
Or goats. Thanks buddy. I’d forgotten about the goats.
The best way to deal with a monster is to draw it out so that you can get at its vulnerable spot. Use bait. Goats are good. Best friends are better. They’re quicker on their feet and they can help you out if the plan goes wrong. Although you may have to help them out if that happens. It’s not nice being swallowed, as I’m sure Jason will testify.
Some monsters are harder to kill than others, of course. Not all them have that vulnerable spot, for a start. Occasionally you’re going to come across one that can only be dealt with by something very specific. A magic sword, a particular herb, a bowl of custard - yeah, that one was a little peculiar. You have no idea how hard it is to find someone who can make custard when all the villagers in the area are busy running away in absolute terror. We ended up finding this very deaf old lady who hadn’t been aware there was anything odd going on. She made wonderful custard, but she never quite figured out why we wanted it. She even thought Iolaus was her nephew.
Oh. You were her nephew? Great nephew? Great, great, great nephew? On your mother’s side. Right. I never have managed to get the hang of your family.
Now mine …
Ah, yeah. Sorry Jason - I was talking about monsters, wasn’t I? A good monster can be the making of a hero. The beast terrorises the entire countryside, devours a few sheep – or goats, yes, thank you Iolaus – threatens a town or two and – hey presto. Big reward, hand of the princess, half the kingdom … It’s a standard deal and it’s well worth considering if you just want to make a name and then settle down afterwards. Now, Iolaus and I tend to just deal with the monster and pass on the reward – well, we have to really, or we’d own half of Greece by now. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. There’s many a king out there who can claim direct descent from a monster slayer.
When they’re not claiming direct descent from the gods, of course.
And that brings me back to my family. I’m only going to say a few words about the Gods, and I want you to pay very close attention to them. They could save you a lot of grief in later life.
Point one. All gods are capricious. They have their own agendas and the only time they will genuinely help you is when there’s something specific in it for them. And even then they might forget, change their mind, or opt for a better deal if they think they’ve been offered one. There are very few of them who will keep their word, and even fewer that you can trust to do anything other than serve their own self interest.
Point two. If they ask you for a favour – always read the small print and get the commitment in writing. Just in case.
And point three? Have as little to do with them as you possibly can. They are usually the ones responsible for the wandering monsters, the complicated curses, the warlords convinced they have a divine right to rule Greece, and most of the other problems that plague a hero’s life. While he has it.
There are too many heroes who took an early trip to Elysium because they thought they could risk the wrath of the gods. I’ve been lucky. I have divine blood, a divine gift – and I have Iolaus, who keeps me out of trouble only half as often as he gets me into it, but who, nevertheless, has been there whenever I’ve really needed him.
Being a hero can be tough. You put your life on the line time and time again; often for strangers, and usually with very little recompense. You take risks each and every day, whether that’s throwing yourself between the monster and the innocent it’s trying to eat, facing down a barbarous horde, or simply leaving your loved ones behind while you answer a cry for help. It’s not the life for everyone. But for those of you who do decide to pursue it – well, it can be a rewarding experience. The sense of satisfaction you get when you thwart a bad guy. The pride you can take in ridding the world of a ravening monster. The grateful looks on the faces of little children when they realise that they are safe again. Knowing that you have made a difference.
That’s why I go on being a hero. Because people depend on me to help them. Because I can use my gift to protect the weak, the vulnerable and the innocent. Because someone has to do it, and I know I can.
I know you can too.
Thank you for listening.
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